Ylana Maya - A Poetic Tale of Losing The Way

Oh I wish I wish,
I wish I could stop,
Believing in what I'm not,
I wish I could stay secure in my mind
But I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be
I'm weak, and deluded and wish I could just be free
The truth of this society
It hurts me, it makes me bleed intermittently
I wish for more and then I know its worthless
Because ultimately I feel worthless.
But I don't always feel this way,
The majority of time I'm upbeat and unafraid
But then these moments come around, where everything is too much, everything is overwhelming, the noises of cupboard doors crashing, the sounds of people coughing and sneezing, the buzz of electricity through the house, I could hear a pin drop and I would surely yelp.
I begin to ache for some sort of freedom, to be cleansed from the world that I live in.
Everything is too much, I feel it deep inside.
This is life's emotional roller coaster ride.
People with their high energy vibrations of annoyance and fear, I'm sensitive to them being near. I feel they're annoyance and I can no longer protect myself.
I feel the vibrations of poverty and lack of self belief. And ultimately I lose my belief.
If only for a minute or two.
So I get lead in by these emotions as I struggle to know what to do,
I yearn to go back to my highest moods,
But reality reels me in and so I am forced to begin again, ultimately having made decisions I can not undo.
And in this I recognise that I will never be more,
I'm stuck and lost and
I don't feel I deserve much more
Because I'm hard work as a person and well, mistakes! I've made plenty,
So leave me be, i will only drag you somewhere you don't wish to go.
And it goes to show,
I'm not meant to glow,
I'm not meant to shine,
I'm meant to Bury myself 5 feet under.
I'm meant to give up on going yonder.
Spare me your sonder.
I'm up those stairs then back down again. I make progress and then it's taken away.
I take it away from myself. So inevitably, there's nobody to blame but myself.
I am in control of my mind but what happens when you stop being a sociopath? The emotions come back.
I am human, I forgive myself for this much.
This is just a temporary setback.
Reacting impulsively, that's a fact.
Reel it in, stop, breathe. Take off the mask.



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