In reference to 'love'

I have gone around in circles for so many years and here I am now in front of my laptop, eagerly anticipating the reality of being a writer but yet I feel little to no motivation to do anything.

I'm agitated, I'm ugly, my insides turned to the darkest gooe at this realisation.

Always wanting to be more but in my pursuit of such things becoming barely a blim, consumed by sin and defiant glimpses of a future I can only hope to achieve, wouldn't you believe that in life I'd have been more, more ambitious, more capable, more intuitive, more effable.

Wouldn't you know, this egoic path holds little satisfaction, it only provides access to another mask. A mask of success and inner bliss when truly behind is an empty vessel who in attempting to fly, fell flat on her face under a spell, an utter disgrace. 

A pursuit which began a pure pursuit, a quest for love and the pointless understanding of that which can not be understood by its very irrational nature... what a fool was I, thinking I could see through the eye in hope that all the information and misinformation was all a lie, I can't deny my naïve little mind and my inner child fantasising about the worlds lies, painting them in many pretty colour to distract from the destruction hidden within the truth, a hidden rues, a ploy inebriated by the wandering of the lost.

Believe me though, I found that love... I found the love of which I wanted to find, I suppose you expect me to tell you now of how luscious and beautiful it was at how the butterflies in my tummy sent me soaring the skies with a twinkle in my eyes and a skip in my step but wait a second, it was not all bliss...  it was not all sunshine and daisies and it was far from fairy tale-esque…. it was a mixture of temperatures, with no middle line. The highest of highs, the lowest of lows, the loss of all self control.... definitely not tied up with a pretty pink silk bow.... No no no, it was dark and dangerous and it hurt to be around for the closer I got to my love the further the needles pierced my irregularly beating heart, life became too painful and in my pain fear struck and naturally, as natural as to me... I ran away, again and again... living wouldn't be living if we never failed so I forgive myself and I pass through the valley of grief and regret... regret that never tasted as sweet as the day that I left.

But I still taste you on my lips, a poison of which I could not resist, my soul amiss for I chose material fake grass over the dark abyss of which could have lasted if only I was willing to face hell with you... but maybe no love will ever be enough to encourage me to walk through the fires of the damned, no hand to be held, no heart to be heard, no beat within, enough to take me to that trance, that place where you and I were meant to last... 

it's not to be. 

it never was.

deluded was the self

hiding behind a loving mask, when in fact an empty shell is all there ever was.